I’m exhausted from work. I wish I could have danced today. At least I got some stuff from the library: The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman and New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. I’m reading The Subtle Knife first though I yearn for New Moon because the former is shorter…and because the latter will probably overshadow the former again.

Right now I just want to rant. My friend Cara, my age, is married and has recently had her first child; Her Majesty is getting married practically a few days; C4 apparently has a new boyfriend. Then, there’s me. Spoiled, soured, speedily returning to my reclusive, anti-social self.

My depression has faded, but that old feeling of wanting to avoid people–in general, not my friends–has gotten a strong clutch on me. I’ve gotten horribly crabby toward Imah. I keep blaming it all on the stress of moving and our current financial fiasco. So, while my general mood has lightened, I bury myself in music and audiobooks and wear my sunglasses whenever I go out to avoid visual contact.

Ha! And Imah worries about me going goth. She has no idea.

Anyway, about my single-ness. I do not regret it. As I oo-ed, ah-ed, and screamed with my Girlz at the fireworks on the 4th, I was totally happy. The thought flashed through my mind that this was what I needed. I’m just not ready for a serious relationship. I’m immature, egotistical, and most of the time my head is in the clouds dreaming up fantasies (which, sadly, I rarely get to write).

I have fun teasing and flirting, but I don’t want a relationship…not right now. Maybe I have too much on my mind. Josi’s wedding, my housewarming party, Trin’s road trip, my plot to get all the friends I can to Sol Duc Hot Springs.

Then, there’s the little things that tug at the back of my mind: a new cell phone, a (certain) digital camera, pink carpet for my bedroom, a new website/domain,
new this and that for clothes. Nevermind the bills. (I’d put "LOL" right here, but I’m not in a laughing mood right now. How about a sardonic snigger?)

And my job. Oh vey. Imah and I just can’t seem to get along and I’ve pretty much given up trying. I just try not to lose my temper or give in to the despair that I’m too dreamy-headed to make it in the world on my own. Financially, I really need another job, and as Imah pushes me toward another clerical office job, the despair returns.

Argh. What I want right now more than anything is to follow my
passion and write. But if I could find a job that fits my other artistic obsessions…that would be fantastic. Seriously. Singing, acting, dancing, modeling, reading books for recordings…something along those lines.

I can only pray I don’t go stark, raving mad when Imah teaches me how to prepare a lease agreement tomorrow. Oh dear God. My inclination is to say: "I thought you were supposed to be a merciful God?" However, it could be worse.

Actually, I have it pretty damn good (if you’ll excuse the language). I live where I work. This not only saves me time and gas, but whenever the Boss needs some extra help, I’ll be available to earn some extra money. Good money, too. I live a few minutes from my Girlz and near several great places to shop or just hang out. My bedroom is the room of a princess (or, at least, it will be when I’m finished with it). I have a rockin’ awesome view from my room/the living room/the backyard–the awesomest on the 4th of July (hmm, maybe on New Year’s, too…). The physical part of my job (the cleaning) is sure to keep me in shape. I’m a few minutes from my Girlz. Oh. Did I mention that already? <3

I’d better get to sleep soon. Just a little bit of ice cream while my mind hovers in the worlds of The Subtle Knife…where the character’s greatest concern is Dust. *hugging my pink, winged unicorn* I wish I had a "daemon".

Chronicled by: Her Grace, Duchess of the Digital Quill